Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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