I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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