I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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