Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
And then my night got REAL pukey
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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