my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
