My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
