I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
