two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
