Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
