My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
