put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
