i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
why do cheetos always look like penises
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
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