My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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