Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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