You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
