I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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