Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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