Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
