1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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