my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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