Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
