If i come over, it means nothing
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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