it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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