Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
ttyl tear gas
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
