My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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