i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
