I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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