the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
