Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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