My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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