Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
