dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
