Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
