im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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