Soap is not a condiment
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Dicks are not precious.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
