mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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