A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
