I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
