My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize