It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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