I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
