On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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