Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
