Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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