Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
