Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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