i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
