My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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