Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I am one with the molecules
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
