I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
