the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
