Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
