If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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