Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It's official drugs can't kill me
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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