my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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