Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
