I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
