I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
