found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
smell my finger.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
