is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
