If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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