3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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